What Am I Actually Feeling?

Guilt, Shame, Regret & Values Self-Assessment

You may have arrived here because you feel guilty, ashamed, anxious, low, uncomfortable or simply not quite right after something you've done. This might involve pornography, sex, findom, gambling, alcohol, drugs, spending or another behaviour.

This assessment does not tell you what you should feel. It helps you explore what you notice afterwards, what may be contributing to it, and whether there is anything you want to understand, change or put right.

This is a screening and reflection tool, not a diagnosis. Your answers stay in your browser unless you choose to copy or share your summary.

First, what are you thinking about?

Behaviour or behaviours

Another behaviour, if you want to describe it

What do you notice afterwards?

Which feeling bothers you most?

When do you tend to notice it?

Values & Truths

These aren't scored. They help separate what happened, what matters to you, and what you are telling yourself it means about you.

Which feel closest to your experience?

I genuinely believe the behaviour conflicts with my values. I think it conflicts with other people's values more than my own. I'm not sure whether these are my beliefs or beliefs I've learned from other people. The behaviour itself doesn't bother me much. Feeling unable to control it does. The behaviour itself doesn't bother me much. The consequences do. What bothers me most is hiding it. What bothers me most is what it may do to somebody else. What bothers me most is what I think it says about me. I'm not sure yet.

What feels closest to what you need now?

I think I want the behaviour to stop. I don't necessarily want to stop, but I want more choice and control. I think something needs acknowledging or putting right. I want to understand why I keep returning to the behaviour. I want to understand why I feel so bad about it. I want to understand whether these are actually my values. I think I'm judging myself more harshly than the situation deserves. I'm not sure what I need yet. I don't think anything needs to change.

Your Reflection Summary

What may be connected with how you feel

Guilt, shame, regret or something else?

Guilt can sound like: “I did something I don't feel comfortable with.” It can sometimes point towards a choice, consequence or relationship that needs attention.

Shame can sound more like: “What I did means there is something wrong with me.” Something we do may need attention without it defining the whole person.

Regret may be about time, money, energy or a choice you wish you had made differently. Anxiety may be more about consequences or being found out. Several of these can be true at once.

Three things worth thinking about

1. What actually happened?

Try describing the facts without adding a judgement about what they mean about you.

2. Whose rule am I breaking?

Is this something you genuinely believe today, or something you learned from family, religion, culture, relationships or elsewhere?

3. What would living according to my values look like next?

You might want something to stop, want more choice and control, decide something needs repairing, or want to understand why you judge yourself so harshly.

Would it help to talk this through?

You don't need to decide whether you have an addiction, whether the behaviour is “normal”, or exactly what you are feeling before getting in touch. If this assessment has opened up something you want to understand, change or put right, talking it through with a therapist may help.

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This summary is for reflection only. It is not a diagnosis and does not prove that you do or do not have an addiction or disorder.